Share Your Best Jokes Here

[iamdasht19]

In this section you will post your best jokes. Yeah that was pretty obvious....Right?

[iamdasht19]

Redneck Pickup Lines!:

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

Man: Fat Penguin! Woman: WHAT? Man: I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

[MikeyD]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive
blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless.

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come
on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of the m asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.

Moral of the story:
1. Not all Southerners are stupid.

2. Not all blondes are dumb.

3. But all men... are men.

[Mandingo]

What does Micheal Jackson have in common with Caviar?

they both come on little crackers...




sorry in advace!

[slinkerd]

what do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

a cock that is up all night

[raybond25]

A Scottish old-timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Noooooooooo..."
Then the old man gestures toward the bar. "Look there at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooooooooooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooooooooooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya **** one goat...!"

[BiG JeW]

3 man are stranded on a Island. Desperately trying to figure out a way to get off the island they stumble upon a a Wishing Well at the end of a cliff. As all 3 men look down in to the wishing well, the wishing well out of nowhere responds, " Hello gentlemen, I will grant you 3 wishes, 1 wish each!" The men not knowing what to do start to argue on whether or not to do it! One man franticly starts to runs and then jumps right off the cliff while saying, "I WISH I WAS THE RICHEST MAN!" Anxiously waiting his landfall, he lands in to MONEY, AND GOLD ETC. ETC. The Second man immediately starts to run to-wards the end of the cliff, HE JUMPS, and says "I want all the beautiful women in the world!" While awaiting his fall he lands into a pool full of women fighting over him. The Last Man says to himself, you know something I wanna fly, I always wanted to fly like superman. So he get a good distance from the cliff. He starts to run as fast as he can, he starts to get closer to the cliff, he tries to leap off the cliff , but TRIPS and the man says "OH SHITTTTT" and lands in a PILE OF SHIT!.

[Mandingo]

In our effort to continue educating others on the ebonics language…today’s word is…



COLOGNE



When used in a sentence….



“Ima little short dis month an I was wunnering if you cologne me some money”

[tyson99]

Today's Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School
System:

OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence...

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did,
but omelette dis one slide."

[lalomartinez]

Alright from learning Ebonics, we will also be learning the Chicano language, so today's mexican word of the day; CHINO: I was doing my girlfriend from the back, I stuck my finger in her A S S, and CHINO like it!!

[iamdasht19]

Alright from learning Ebonics, we will also be learning the Chicano language, so today's mexican word of the day; CHINO: I was doing my girlfriend from the back, I stuck my finger in her A S S, and CHINO like it!!

hahahahahahhaa that one actually got me laughing :smile:

[ikylilboy]

Whats the diffrence between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day! Anal sex makes your hole weak!

[menikfire]

sexual position= The Spartan!!

A sexual position where the women is riding a man during intercourse, and right before the man has an orgasm he yells "This is Spartaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!" and kicks the women off the bed. :workout:try it!!! lol jk

[menikfire]

how do you make lady gaga mad? poker face!!!!! lol

[iamdasht19]

how do you make lady gaga mad? poker face!!!!! lol

hahahahha nicfe i hate that song and they play it too much on the radio :(

[menikfire]

hahahahha nicfe i hate that song and they play it too much on the radio :(

lol yeah your right!!!
well now you know what to do if you ever see her in public... poker face!! lol

[iamdasht19]

lol yeah your right!!!
well now you know what to do if you ever see her in public... poker face!! lol

only question i have left is with what? :connie_mykilroy:

[menikfire]

only question i have left is with what? :connie_mykilroy:

lmao!! well you can try with your pinky!! lol right in her eye!!!

[iamdasht19]

lmao!! well you can try with your pinky!! lol right in her eye!!!

well i was thinking something funner that may burn if it decides to spit while poking her in the eye hahaaha

[menikfire]

well i was thinking something funner that may burn if it decides to spit while poking her in the eye hahaaha

Like i said you can try with your pinky!! lol!!! jk!!!

[iamdasht19]

Like i said you can try with your pinky!! lol!!! jk!!!

hahahahahah nice, touche my friend.

[tyson99]

A vicious convict escaped from the state prison he was incarcerated in for 25 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of the bed and tied him to a chair. When he tied the man’s wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her ear and then got up and went into the bathroom. While the convict was in the bathroom, the husband whispered to his wife; ”Listen this guy is probably an escaped convict. Just look at his cloths. He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman for years. I saw how he looked at you and kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain: don’t say anything to upset him. Do whatever he tells you to do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong honey, I Love You!” His wife responded by saying; “He wasn’t kissing my ear. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he’s gay, thinks your cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. Be strong honey. I Love You too!”

[iamdasht19]

A vicious convict escaped from the state prison he was incarcerated in for 25 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of the bed and tied him to a chair. When he tied the man’s wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her ear and then got up and went into the bathroom. While the convict was in the bathroom, the husband whispered to his wife; ”Listen this guy is probably an escaped convict. Just look at his cloths. He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman for years. I saw how he looked at you and kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain: don’t say anything to upset him. Do whatever he tells you to do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong honey, I Love You!” His wife responded by saying; “He wasn’t kissing my ear. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he’s gay, thinks your cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. Be strong honey. I Love You too!”

hahahahah now thats wrong but i had to say i saw that coming a little bit lmao good one none the less though.

[PsyChoTk]

whats the rating of this thread???

One day at the zoo, a little boy and his mom saw two monkeys having sex, the little boy asks his mom what they were doing, she said " honey their making cupckaes", on the way home the little boy saw two wild dogs haveing sex, he asks, "mommy what are they doing", she says "their making cupcakes". The next morning the mom wakes up to find the little boy sitting at the end of the bed. He asks "mommy, were you and daddy making cupcakes last night" she answers "yes honey how'd you know" he says "'cause i licked the icing off the sheets"

--------- New Post Merged on 9/8/2009 at 04:40:25 --------

heres the text version you can send to your friends in a text message:

A kid saw 2 dogs humping... Mom says they re bakin a cake. The kid said i know, u and dad baked a cake last nite. I ate frosting off the couch.

[lalomartinez]

Alright here is another **Mexican Word Of The Day**Honor** Last night I was doing my girl, I was about to cum and she said "cum in me lets have a baby,"..I was like B ITCH you crazy, so I cum HONOR chichis!!

[ON3/\L]

old one.... "So what do Michael Jackson and k-mart have in common??? They both have little boys pants half off"

[raybond25]

sticking with micheal jackson. "Jackson Five Reunion Tour Tickets on sale! 20% OFF!"

aaaaaaand "How do you make an asian man blind? Put a steering wheel in front of him."

[crazaytalent]

whats the rating of this thread???

One day at the zoo, a little boy and his mom saw two monkeys having sex, the little boy asks his mom what they were doing, she said " honey their making cupckaes", on the way home the little boy saw two wild dogs haveing sex, he asks, "mommy what are they doing", she says "their making cupcakes". The next morning the mom wakes up to find the little boy sitting at the end of the bed. He asks "mommy, were you and daddy making cupcakes last night" she answers "yes honey how'd you know" he says "'cause i licked the icing off the sheets"

--------- New Post Merged on 9/8/2009 at 04:40:25 --------

heres the text version you can send to your friends in a text message:

A kid saw 2 dogs humping... Mom says they re bakin a cake. The kid said i know, u and dad baked a cake last nite. I ate frosting off the couch.
ewww...dude, that was gross... now my stomach all messed up....lol

[tyson99]

The latest autopsy came out on Micheal Jackson. The examiner determined the cause of death was food poisoning.


13 year old nuts was found in his mouth.

--------- New Post Merged on 10/8/2009 at 04:26:10 --------

aaaaaaand "How do you make an asian man blind? Put a steering wheel in front of him."[/quote]



I thought it was dental floss....

[PsyChoTk]

ewww...dude, that was gross... now my stomach all messed up....lol

then my job is done. lol

[Kiit408]

to give back to the kids for all the stuff michael jackson did they decided to cut him into blocks so the kids could play with him....

word on the street is mj is dead and daycare buisnesses are booming knowing that there kids are now safe on the streets...

Michael is dead... at the autopsy... they found a recorder of michaels confession in his stomach wrapped in little boys underwear... it started off... "do you wanna play a game?" (SAW MOVIE WATCHERS!)

Michael died and his ghost reappeared... what was he looking for?... to destroy the evidence of the boys he slept with....

there are way too many on michael that's jacked up.. i lived dancing like him and popping... thats where i got my pop and lock from... no homo.. real story.. lol.. that's how i got into hip hop dancing... ok now that i wrote this... i think i was raped somehow too.. through the tv... lol... this sounds nasty after writing all these jokes.. lol.. NO HOMO...

[thenewone]

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

[mzlady26]

Warning: Virus

There's a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else -- do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks -- and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive -- so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

--------- New Post Merged on 30/8/2009 at 05:57:38 --------

Maybe This Will Work

A boy that was being raised in a very religious family asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." So the son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter:

"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole month, would you please send me a bike?" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A month is a long time." And he began to write again:

"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole week......" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A week is a long time." And he began to write again:

"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole day, would you please send me a bike?" Satisfied with this, the boy began to walk to the mailbox to mail the letter to Jesus. As he approached the mailbox, he looked at the envelope the letter was in...then, he tore it to shreds.

He ran home and took the statue of the Virgin Mary his grandmother had given him off of his bureau. He proceeded to wrap a shoelace tightly around the small statue and place it in a shoe box. He then threw the shoe box into his closet and sat down and wrote another letter"

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother!"

--------- New Post Merged on 30/8/2009 at 06:10:25 --------

Interesting Emergency Calls



Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police

[R.A.M]

If you ever got crapped on from a bird you can always take the positive route by saying "Man that was some fly shit ".

[mzlady26]

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

[iamdasht19]

If you ever got crapped on from a bird you can always take the positive route by saying "Man that was some fly shit ".

holy shit hes back? hahahahaha damn ram is back after forever lmao

[mzlady26]

Life's Crazy Rules

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

[thenewone]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[mzlady26]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

I ABSOLUTELY love it. LOL!

--------- New Post Merged on 31/8/2009 at 09:24:21 --------

The Bully

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

[sdwyz74]

so there's this 400lb dude and he wants to loose wait his friends hooks up this place that he says he always see's hot babe's there so the dude goes there and he walks in and says i want to loose 100 pounds so the girl says 100 bucks he pays and she tells him to go down the hall and it's the 2nd door on the left. so he walks in and he see's this bad ass broad with big tits and she says if you catch me you can F^%$$^ me all you want so he starts chasing her around the bed and finally he catches her slam her down on the bed and F$$**^$%** the shit out of her
and after its all said and done he's a 100 pounds lighter so he goes back to the counter and says i want to loose another hundred pounds slaps down another 100 and the girl at the counter tells him to go down the hall and it's the 3rd door on the left and he walks in and he she a even better looking broad and she says if you catch me you can do whatever you want to me so he's chasing her around and around finally he catches her and he slams her on the bed and F%$%^&$ the shit out of her. so hes 100 more pounds lighter he's feeling all good and shit and on the way out the door something in his mind tells him maybe he should get some more of that good good stuff so he walks up to the counter slaps down 20 bucks and say ah! what the hell i want to loose 20 more pounds so the girl smiles and says ok all the way down the hall last door on the right and as he's walking down the hall he's thinking he's gonna get another hot babe so he struts on in and closes the door and the room is kind of dark so he looks around and this big gay dude steps out and says NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BIG BOY!

[ON3/\L]

i absolutely love it. Lol!

--------- new post merged on 31/8/2009 at 09:24:21 --------

the bully

this guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "come on man, i was just joking. Tell ya what, i'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"no, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, i overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When i left the building to my car, i found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then i found that i left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when i was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

halarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[forty01]

TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.


The Chief nodded in agreement.


The official continued, Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.Then the chief leaned back and smiled..."Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[R.A.M]

what up dash yeah been awhile new baby, house, and my other little girl starting grade school I lost touch with reality for a minute ha ha A house full of girls will do that to you.

[thenewone]

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

[iamdasht19]

what up dash yeah been awhile new baby, house, and my other little girl starting grade school I lost touch with reality for a minute ha ha A house full of girls will do that to you.

yeah yur telling me i have older twin sister that are almost 24 now (1.5 years older than me) and my mom than there was me and my dad but he was gone on first shift for work so i got stuck with the three of them hahahaha so i know how that goes for sure.

[mzlady26]

2 Doctors lyin in bed after sex. He said youi must be an OBGYN cause you work that pussy. She said you must be and ANESTHESIOLOGIST caue I did'nt feel shit.

[forty01]

2 Doctors lyin in bed after sex. He said youi must be an OBGYN cause you work that pussy. She said you must be and ANESTHESIOLOGIST caue I did'nt feel shit.

haha, I loved this one. One of my Boyz sent this to me in a text.

I'm at work, so I'll send some jokes later :)

[mzlady26]

haha, I loved this one. One of my Boyz sent this to me in a text.

I'm at work, so I'll send some jokes later :)
Ok well I will be awaiting your jokes I need another good laugh

[MikeyD]

9.0 earthquake in Mexico
50,000+ Mexicans dead many injured
France - Sending food
Brittian - Sending money
America - Sending Replacements

--------- New Post Merged on 16/10/2009 at 12:25:04 --------

With Obama getting elected Pres. it only proves that no matter how successful a African American is in America they will always live in government housing

[jr5416]

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[fanaticny]

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

hahhahahah that $#1t was funny

[mzlady26]

Worm Experiment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[parna1973]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[mzlady26]

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Computers and Cars

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[mzlady26]

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


Come on PPL where are the JOKES

[ppopper78]

i see some high ups in this thread posting some dirty jokes, can a jr member post some dirty too?

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 08:58:23 --------

here we go.................

The difference between having Guts and having Balls... Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

lol thats gold i tells ya.

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 09:01:29 --------

heres another...............

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.” The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”


gold................

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 11:01:14 --------

and another...........


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


lol

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 11:05:04 --------

one more for the road..........

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

--------- New Post Merged on 6/11/2009 at 01:33:34 --------

here we go again...........


One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A female neighbor happened to be walking by and was so outraged at this that she ran over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!” “I am,” he calmly replied. “Why do you think she cuts the grass?”

[mzlady26]

The Border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says,"We'll just see about that get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan,puts the sand into new bags,hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep.Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."