Share Your Best Jokes Here

[mzlady26]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

2 Doctors lyin in bed after sex. He said youi must be an OBGYN cause you work that pussy. She said you must be and ANESTHESIOLOGIST caue I did'nt feel shit.

[forty01]

Re Share Your Best Jokes Here

2 Doctors lyin in bed after sex. He said youi must be an OBGYN cause you work that pussy. She said you must be and ANESTHESIOLOGIST caue I did'nt feel shit.

haha, I loved this one. One of my Boyz sent this to me in a text.

I'm at work, so I'll send some jokes later :)

[mzlady26]

Re Re Share Your Best Jokes Here

haha, I loved this one. One of my Boyz sent this to me in a text.

I'm at work, so I'll send some jokes later :)

Ok well I will be awaiting your jokes I need another good laugh

[MikeyD]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

9.0 earthquake in Mexico
50,000+ Mexicans dead many injured
France - Sending food
Brittian - Sending money
America - Sending Replacements

--------- New Post Merged on 16/10/2009 at 1204 --------

With Obama getting elected Pres. it only proves that no matter how successful a African American is in America they will always live in government housing

[mispook08]

Re Share Your Best Jokes Here

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[topostitch]

Re Re Share Your Best Jokes Here

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

hahhahahah that $#1t was funny

[mzlady26]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

Worm Experiment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[gogorob]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[mzlady26]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Computers and Cars

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared The computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[mzlady26]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


Come on PPL where are the JOKES

[ppopper78]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

i see some high ups in this thread posting some dirty jokes, can a jr member post some dirty too?

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 0823 --------

here we go.................

The difference between having Guts and having Balls... Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

lol thats gold i tells ya.

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 0929 --------

heres another...............

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.” The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”


gold................

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 1114 --------

and another...........


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


lol

--------- New Post Merged on 5/11/2009 at 1104 --------

one more for the road..........

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

--------- New Post Merged on 6/11/2009 at 0134 --------

here we go again...........


One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A female neighbor happened to be walking by and was so outraged at this that she ran over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!” “I am,” he calmly replied. “Why do you think she cuts the grass?”

[mzlady26]

Re: Share Your Best Jokes Here

The Border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says,"We'll just see about that get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan,puts the sand into new bags,hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep.Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."